Last year, after starting to see a therapist, I found out I was slightly depressed and anxious. That didn't come as a surprise because I knew something was going on, but I was way too wrapped up in my own angry bubble to take action.
I have spent more than two years being tired 24/7 and although I slept most of the time, the morning after always came as a punishment that couldn’t get me out of bed.
This, obviously, disturbed my daily routine.
It took me a while to realise I was being an asshole to everyone around me and it felt like no one could understand, mainly because I didn't. So I blamed my parents and everyone else, but me.
Anxiety and depression are a lot like drowning, but there is no water and you are not really drowning, it is more of a floating sensation, but not the good kind. — someone told me this and it seemed weird, but then it hit me.
It’s the emptiness that surrounds us in which we drown, lack of motivation and purpose.
No matter how hard I was trying to get to the surface, there was this huge weight that always pulled me back. I thought it was my past, that one thing I will never be able to escape, but in reality, it was the vicious habit I had developed that entire time: being negative. all.the.time.
So the blame was all mine.
I have realised that I am the only one who’s in charge of my resources and I get to decide how I spend my energy, thoughts and time. Eventually, I can learn to let go of the things that hurt me, no matter what or who they are.
Pushing myself towards having more activities during the day, regardless of how tired and lazy I feel, will lead to a more relaxing sleep during the night, especially if I exercise and, as it turns out, I am not very committed to exercising.
Recalibrating the way I react to things that would normally make me unhappy or angry and thinking twice before doing anything can save me a lot of nervous breakdowns and cries in my own bathroom.
Every now and then it’s ok to get wrapped up in blankets and watch the entire Victoria series or keep up with the Kardashians if there is anyone who can actually keep up with them.
I know it can sound pretty easy, but I assure you it isn’t. There are times when you get really angry just by riding the tube. And that anger feels so much bigger than you, almost impossible to restrain it.
So you unleash it because it so too much of a burden.
Lashing out at poor Angela from H.R. who had nothing to do with it, but was simply in the wrong place at a wrong time won’t help anyone. Especially Angela.
I tried meditation for a really long time until I realised I wasn’t doing it right. But I remembered I am an app geek, so I looked for an app that would discipline me to sit through an entire session of mindfulness without rolling my eyes.
I found Headspace and I think it’s amazing. The speaker doesn’t have an annoying voice and the background noise is actually nice, so without even realising I was already finishing chapter 1 and felt a little better.
The recipe is open for personalisation, a lot of things didn’t work for me, including therapy. I am not, as it turns out, the kind of person who can forcefully induce happy thoughts into my brain. I am more proactive, I need to find the time to exercise so hard my body starts to hurt, write until my wrist gets twisted, roll up my sleeves and get on board a new project.
In my family we never discussed problems very openly, everyone had their own recipe: my father was cycling, my mom went shopping and I was dying on the tennis court wishing I was horse riding instead.
Find the best formula and do it until you are either annoyingly happy or too exhausted to feel sad.