If fear was a place, I would make it my home.
Recently, I have finally managed to accept that I am fear-driven. This is how I’m built. I fear that people will be disappointed with me, so I give anything to shift it and I end up doing the exact opposite; I fear I will miss out on things, so I tend to add too much on my plate and rarely enjoy any of it. I fear I am not getting enough sleep, so I oversleep. Etc..
You got it.
Fears are seen as such bad consuming things, a symptom that hides a deeper affection in relation to how we perceive ourselves, but I think it has to do with our own biases and sequence of actions, rather than labelling it as being symptomatic.
My therapist used to tell me how I should learn to move past my fear and try to bet on my courage, but little did she know about how my courage has always gotten me in trouble.
Unlike fear, it doesn’t have any tactics or diplomacy, so it goes nuclear and never wins any battle.
Moreover, my courage is stupid, reckless and has the maturity of a 10 yo, whilst fear knows when to act, what to say and it can even seduce the audience by appearing shy and innocent. Courage — Fear; 0–1.
I look around me and I see more and more people afraid of things and almost every time is the same over and over again: not being enough.
Not brave enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not big enough, not talented enough, not healthy enough, etc..
But when does enough reach its security level? When is enough — enough?
Perhaps it’s when you land your dream job, although that usually comes with a full plate of anxiety, panic attacks and the unequivocally fear that you are not enough for it and sooner or later your employer will see it too and out you go.
Or having to perform in front of an audience.
When you find the love of your life and start a family? That can also go down in flames after a long ride to Paranoia City.
Perhaps enough will never be enough because we are taught to be overachievers, always raising the bar higher to a point where it gets unachievable.
Maybe if we took slower, more aware steps and acknowledged the process as a continuous work in progress, our minds would be able to have their well deserved holiday from this consuming thought.